My Journey with Wonder
Updated: Sep 10, 2019
This is for all the people wondering how the forever single gal fell in love.
I would love to start by asking you, what comes to mind when you think of the word wonder?
There are three ways wonder is commonly expressed, and sadly for
most of my life I understood wonder for its description of doubt.
I wondered who I would be,
I wondered if I would ever be good enough,
I wondered if I would ever create an impact,
I wondered why God allowed evil in the world,
I wondered why I was given my background and story,
I wondered if He could have created a man to love me,
I wondered if God was real,
I wondered if Jesus truly died for my sins,
I wondered if He was truly good, and most of all
I wondered if He truly loved me.
All my wondering stemmed from my doubts about Jesus's faithfulness.
At twenty five I found myself in a constant state of wondering what in the world God was doing with my life. He showed me that my sense of wonder was consumed with doubt and fear, and there was a heavenly wonder that I needed to learn to experience Him fully. My negative perception of wonder was hindering me from experiencing the beauty and depth he designed for wonder.
I have learned there is a heavenly and a fallen definition to wonder.
Heavenly wonder is intended to create a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful or unexpected, and created to inspire a desire of curiosity. Fallen wonder produces doubt.
Can it be that so many of the words that are supposed to lead us to the cross have become a deterrence?
At twenty five I was invited by the Holy Spirit to carefully read the Gospels and receive a better understand of wonder, to experience it as God intended for me.
I dove into the life of Jesus and I began to wonder what He would do next!
Through His miracles, His love for the least of these, and His fight for justice and truth, my perception of wonder turned from doubt to curiosity. I became expectant of Jesus's mercy and love for the sinner. My heart's understanding of wonder was turning and when I reached the book of John my capacity to wonder was forever changed. I learned to wonder what Jesus had in store for my family, ministry, friendships, career, and if I can be one hundred percent honest, for the first time I was positively wondering about my love life. Most importantly from John I learned to identify myself as loved by God (I love how he refers to himself as the “disciple whom Jesus loved”).
God's word had a response to all of the doubts I had believed.
I learned that I was chosen for this generation (Esther 4:14 ESV),
I learned that I was made in His image (Genesis 1:27 ESV),
I learned that I have a kingdom purpose (2 Timothy 1: 6-11 ESV)
I learned that God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28 ESV),
I learned that my testimony is my ability to show God's grace and love (1 Peter 3:15 ESV),
I learned companionship was a part of His original design (Genesis 2:22 ESV),
I learned Jesus Christ is alive (Matthew 28:18-20 ESV),
I learned what a mighty sacrifice He paid for me (Philippians 2:5-11 ESV),
I learned that the Lord is a good father (1 John 3:1 ESV),
and most importantly I learned that His love for me is everlasting (Romans 8:37-39 ESV).
***My wondering taught me that Jesus was, is, and will always be faithful.***
My wonder no longer leads me to worry. I now wonder what God is doing in my life and I do not fear or doubt that His plans are good. I now wonder how he would reveal it to me and how I can best follow. My wonder allows me to remember that God is faithful.
In no way have I fully overcome the fallen definition of wonder but I am continually renewing my mind to maintain a heavenly perspective of wonder.
I know you probably came here looking for a mortal love story and I I trust you are still wondering how I fell in love, and what the heck does wondering about Jesus have to do with falling in love but I have to say simply everything.
I was able to fall in love with a wonderful man because I had learned to have a heavenly wonder during my season of singleness, a season which lasted from 2012-2019.
I turned 29 this January and in February
I fell in love with Grant Haydn Jones; I believe I was able to fall in love because he was a reflection of Jesus in my expectancy of heavenly wonder.
When Grant asked me on a date,
I did not wonder if he loved God.
I did not wonder if he was interested.
I did not wonder if he was
going to be intentional.
I did not wonder if he
believed I was beautiful.
I did not wonder if he would call.
I did not wonder myself to worry.
The most wonderful thing about Grant was I did not wonder if our relationship would glorify God, because that was obvious!
I was able to wonder about him the way I enjoyed wondering about the Lord.
I wondered with excitement for our next conversation.
I wondered with joy to hear his laughter.
I wondered with anticipation to see Jesus in our relationship.
I wondered how much I would learn about love with him.
I wondered how God could be so merciful to bring such a wonderful man into my life.
That is some heavenly wonder!
Most importantly I am not consumed with fallen wonder because whether he is my soul mate or not I know God has a plan for my singleness, He has a plan for marriage, and most importantly the Lord has a plan for my life on this earth and for eternity.
My journey with wonder has allowed me to experience God's continuous pruning. When I live out John 15 my capacity to experience heavenly wonder is extraordinary,
but when I get caught up in the business of life or allow my sin to keep me away from my time in His presence my capacity to experience fallen wonder skyrockets. Again, by no means am I eternally immune to fallen wonder but I believe if we draw near to the Lord everyday He renews our minds and provides the heavenly perspective that allows us to live in the fullness of life. “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11 ESV).
I am a woman who loves to color-code planners and make plans as far ahead of time as possible, and that leads me to wonder constantly; God changing my capacity to wonder is a miracle in my life and I am forever grateful to learn about His faithfulness.
Random! (but I think important) note:
For seven years I was doing life, just
Me, Myself, and the Holy Spirit...
(Remixing Queen B)
I think just like every normal girl, I experience those super real moments of singleness, longing for a relationship, waiting as well as possible, and wondering what God's plan for my love life would be. On the okay days and the really tough days I would turn up the song Faithful by Elevation Worship. I was singing in faith, singing my prayer request of trusting that the Lord is faithful regardless of whether I would be called to be like Paul or to meet my person someday. (We have alllllllllllll prayed for God not to call us into Paul's singleness in ministry.)
The Faithful lyrics were my anthem on a good day and on a bad day!
"When the whispers of worry Overwhelmed my soul You never left me alone You were there all along
You are faithful Why should my heart be afraid? You are faithful I know You're not gonna change You are faithful, faithful"
So many days I would play it on repeat, never knowing that in just a few short months I would be lifting my hands shoulder to shoulder with a man who loved God and me.
My prayer is that you will learn to have a heavenly wonder, always expecting Jesus to demonstrate his mercy and love, and pleasantly wondering what God has in store for every season of your life. For the ladies reading this in a season of singleness and waiting well, please enjoy this season. Make Jesus your one and only because even when you meet your person Jesus still asks to be our one and only. For the ladies off the market, remember to make Jesus number one and be a great friend to your friends that are not in a relationship. Our purpose is to glorify God in ALL areas of our lives, not just in our relationship status.
I would love to hear what you are wondering about in this season of your life.
My hope is to hear from you and hear your perspective of wonder.